…because I’ve certainly had enough. I’m 32 years old for Pete’s sake. And that 33rd year is coming up quick. I just don’t have time to fuck around anymore. So, do me a favor: follow these guidelines and you’ll be sure to remain stationary while I rocket forward.
One: think of the biggest failure you ever had. I’m not talking about when you were a straight-A student and got a B+ on your final exam. I’m talking Worst. Failure. Ever. Remember that feeling you had? Didn’t it just suck. You know it did. But pain is good. Remember when Trent Reznor told us so (and Johnny Cash later affirmed):” I hurt myself today to see if I still feel”. Feel it. Remember it. And by all means, recreate it.
Two: Never act until you are 100% sure you are ready. Stop following your instincts and taking chances. The BEST thing you can ask yourself is “What if?” Hey, at least you’ll still have your current job. You’ll still be making the same money. Why chance losing that by wondering if there’s something better out there? There isn’t! Get over it!
Three: Stop reading about how everyone else is succeeding in their goals. They’re not you. You can’t do this, remember? Whatever thought you had pop into your hand along with a brief quiver of MO-JO is just a mirage. Why do you keep telling yourself you have what it takes? Obviously you don’t or you would have done it by now.
Four: Don’t tell anyone about your dreams and aspirations. They don’t want to hear it. They have their own. Keep them to yourself. That way when you fail – again – you won’t be subject to the inevitable ridicule. Its like the guy who keeps banging his head into a wall thinking the next time will feel different. It never does. But don’t let others see your weaknesses.
Finally, celebrate your failures and be thankful you’re still around to laugh it off (It’s okay, we all know you’re crying on the inside. But I’ll thank you in advance for sparing me the tears). Regret is okay to live with. Shit, at least you’re living. Right? Suck it up. Man up. And get back to your 8-to-5.
Now that I got you out of the way, one less loser that I have to compete with.
